The Ransom Note from Fed Ex

The Fed Ex guy- I usually love seeing him. It meant something fun had arrived- not a bill from the mailman- a package usually. And then I came to Argentina- and my fondness of the Fed Ex man has quickly dissipated. He brings not any packages- only ransom notes. To get one means long day of bureaucracy. Perhaps I should explain....... The next time you have a complaint with our postal system- remember this story.

So a few weeks ago, my computer decided to die. Instead of giving it a funeral (it was only two months old - and nothing that young should die), I had to send it away to a hospital in California. The Sony doctors are very good- and fixed her up very well. A brain transplant later- she was shipped my way to Argentina. Cost- $150 US. Brain surgery- free (really good health insurance only computers can get).

I eagerly anticipate her arrival- I am after all working for a company in the US that requires a computer all day and taking classes online- which of course also require a computer. The FedEx guy comes- I had been tracking the package and was expecting it- but he only brings a ransom note. It is 5 pages- written in Spanish- and the only thing I can figure out is that I need to make a trip to the airport. It is where I am to drop the money for the release of my beloved girl. So I do what any good mother would do- drop everything and hop in a cab- money in hand- to go get her back. Cost of the taxi- $100 pesos each way ($25 USD).

Two hours later, I get to the airport.I have no idea where to go - just the ransom note. I show it to a few people and say "Donde" . I can tell by the look on their face that it will not be fun as they point the way- So I walk about 1/2 mile. I arrive at a gate where I need to show my passport. The passport gets copied 5 times, the copies are stamped (they really like their stamps here- as you will soon see), and stapled to the ransom note. I am permitted to pass through the gate where several thousand other things are also being held ransom. The fun continues.

I enter a door. A short hallway stands before me and there are three doors- 2 and 3 on the left and #1 on the right. I need to pick one- I feel like I am on a game show where making the wrong choice also results in a ransom note to get me back. This is not a happy place. No one here smiles- I am not even sure it is allowed. I enter door #2- it is the closest.

A woman sitting at a desk looks at me and takes my note. She knows where my girl is being kept- I know it. After examining my paper- she removes a copy of my passport and prints out three other pages. They too get stapled to my ransom note- now starting to resemble a short story. The papers- each one of them- get stamped and signed, and I am then sent to door #3.

Door #3 holds two men- neither look up when I enter the room. The man in front of me motions for me to come over to him- and I do as I am told. He refrains from looking up- grabs my papers- and begins looking through them. He removes another copy of my passport- prints out additional pages to add to my now novel- stamps them, and sends me back to room 2. This proceeds to happen three more times- from #2 to #3 to #2 to #3 and so on- each time new pages, always stamped and usually signed- are attached to my novel. Finally- I am told to follow the man from door #3 into an entirely new place- door #1.

Door #1 opened to a huge warehouse. It is the holding place for the things they take ransom. The man takes me to a counter- grabs my papers- and gives them to another man. I wait a few moments while the package is retrieved. The box is opened- the computer removed and inspected and then placed back in the box where it is then resealed by the man who presented it. I saw it- I almost had it- but it was again taken away. I follow the man from door #3 back - where I am told to go to door #2.

After going to door #2 once more and #3 once more (yes- papers were printed out each time, stamped, signed, and stapled) before being sent back to door #1. Within door #1 was yet another office. I go in and am required to pay a fee. The fee is for taking care of my package for 6 hours- cost is 60 pesos- 20 of which is a tax. Apparently, the fee doubles every day your item is being held- I am assuming to cover the cost of food, water, and care for all of the packages. For a brief moment, I thought I was picking up my dag from the kennel...

So... I have paid the fee, gotten another 9 pages added to my book, sent back out to door #2 for one final page, stamp, and signature- and I am now shown to the exit. It is through door #1- and is a fenced in hallway that is just outside of the warehouse. There is a small hole through the fence where a hand takes you book, reads it, and returns it. Then I waited- 20 min. later, lo and behold, comes a forklift with one small box on it- my computer! Another 1/2 mile walk and 2 hour cab ride, I arrive at home. It has been 6 hours.

I wish I were kidding- that I could dream up such a great story. Sadly- no exaggeration was involved in the writing of this blog post. Fed Ex and DHL do not deliver door to door here- you are required to go to the airport to pick packages up. The exception is the local postal service- which is known for mistaking boxes for personal Christmas presents .

In conclusion- I hope all of you reading this post have a newfoud appreciation for the USPS and Fed Ex door to door service in the US. I know I do.